... Old Telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

... The best method to lose weight quickly is by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 kilos in only two days.

... you can save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

... you should apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet (unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

... if you have no time to bath, you could wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.